3/5

Every time I see an ant walking on our counter, I normally would kill it right away. But I no longer can anymore. When I just kill the ant with my big fat hand, I think of Margaret's pain and suffering. I can't stand it anymore... So I just left the ant cross over my hand. It not harming us, it just trying to survive.
Another sleepless night, tossed and turned. I keep my room really dark so I can sleep. but so far it not helping anymore. In the dark I didn't realize my eyes are open when I meant to close them to sleep. I've slept with my eyes open before. When I came with my dad to Margaret's house to help him find the key, every pictures I have seen of her just hits me. Every room brings memories when I was staying with her. I've read my dad's blog half the day. My hunger from the stomach keeps growing. I want to eat, but I don't at the same time. I just eat the Hershey's hugs, with white chocolate. It almost been a week since Margaret funeral, it hard to believe. It feels like it happen yesterday instead of a week ago. I had 4 dreams that Margaret was in. The first one, I was dreamed that she was in her bed, smiled and talked to me. I really thought it was real. It was so vivid I actually got confuse where I was and what day it was. The second I dreamed that she was eating her grilled chicken from easy-in. She said,"mmm this is good!" Third dream, some nurse I don't know who she is, but she appeared in my dream. And I told her to watch Margaret, but she was outside following me. I screamed at her, and I was just about to attack her, but I decided to run back to Margaret's place and grabbed the chair and put it right next to Margaret's bed, and I watched her sleep. Fourth dream, She was smiling and laughing in her bed, good health no pain or any suffering what so ever. That was last night dream, I guess that why I curled in my bed and blankets cover on top me, and cried all night and not a good sleep. Before February 23th, I was mean and rude and very disrespectful to my dad, I feel guilty. I'm not good at handling things with these type of moments. Mom said neither is dad. My dad and I are so alike that we think alike in many ways. It weird, it like we are twins. We fuss lot then the next day we get back together like nothing happen. I always thought Haley was my best buddy but my mistake, my dad is the best buddy I've ever gotten. I'm very close to him than I am with anyone else. After all through the school suffering, what I mean by school suffering? I've had teacher tell me that i'm no good, not bright, I just wanted to hear what I hear, it best if I just shut up and many things. I've had all these teacher's word in my head that won't get out. My parents and counselor tells me I need to ask for help. And when I do ask for help, all I get is scream in my face. When someone screams in my face, I can't hear very well. My hearing aids are very different than the one I had when I was little. This hearing aids is better is somewhat better in some ways, but some way not good. When someone screams next to my hearing aids, my hearing aids screech louder than the person voice. It always been like that, maybe it better to hear it screech than their screams if you know what I mean. every half of month, i dream that i'm still in school. I've also had lots of great teachers. I have one teacher that teaches math class in high school. He could tell if I get very frustrated or confuse with any math solution. He would come right away to me and help me understand math. He always loves to aggravates me. And it gives me boost to stay alive through high school. But no one will ever be like my dad or my mom. My dad is one out of the million that I trust lot with. Sure I've had rough time but it doesn't last long. In the end he always right there for me. And I want to be there for him as well.